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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379790">To Be Everything</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronAleen/pseuds/VeronAleen'>VeronAleen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Polca, Taynew</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Career, Friendship, Let Go, Light Angst, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Reminiscing, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:42:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,172</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379790</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronAleen/pseuds/VeronAleen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Reminiscing shouldn’t be that painful for Tay. Not until he looked at New enjoying the night with someone else.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>TayNew - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Be Everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>It’s been three hours already. Three hours since we had a short talk after the shoot for the next Meal Date episode. It was unexpected because obviously, the company wouldn’t like us to be too close because for certain reasons. Maybe because they decided to split us up after the series where we’ve been each other’s love interest, or maybe because they decided to give us other projects where we won’t be working together. Whatever it is, I’m still thankful that at least, even though it seems impossible, the heads gave us a chance to enjoy a special.</p><p> </p><p>Now, we’re inside a local bar where we used to drink, watching how the colorful lights glimmer and illuminate the whole room we’ve rented, softly blinding my sight because of the brightness.</p><p> </p><p>“Peng!”</p><p> </p><p>I saw how Off walked towards my seat. Gun’s walking next to him, holding his phone while Off’s holding his other hand, careful enough just to make sure that Gun wouldn’t trip. Just a few more seconds and they’re facing me already, showing their sweet smile.</p><p> </p><p>“P’Tay hello”</p><p> </p><p>Gun sit next to me and Off followed. I pour them drinks which the two gladly accepted. I could even hear Gun telling Off not to drink too much because he’s not really into drinking. Unlike Gun who is the life of a party, Off was never. It’s actually a bit surprising that Off accepted my invitation tonight because he rarely does—only if Gun is present.</p><p> </p><p>Who would have thought that this friend of mine, who is usually grumpy and timid will eventually fall for his Nong? No one expected, not even I. Well, love was once a stranger in everyone’s life, like someone who will just knock on your door and barge in and change your life completely. It just depends on that stranger if he’ll stay or no—in the case of Off, despite being shooed off countless times, Gun obviously decided to stay with him. this is something which I envied them the most. How should I say this? Their meeting isn’t that nice, but at least, they’re now on their journey together, unlike<strong><em> us</em></strong>.</p><p> </p><p>My eyes were fixed on the man standing a few meters away from us. His arm around the girl whom he’s sitting with. I’ve seen him smiling for a million times already, even a hundred for each day, but I’ve never seen him this happy with his girl. This view isn’t unfamiliar to me, I’ve been accustomed to this kind of sting in my heart whenever I see them together—the way she stares at her whenever she flips her hair, the way he touches her face sweetly, the way he pampers her whenever she seeks for his attention—everything about her just makes him smile, even without trying.</p><p> </p><p>“You should quit staring at them, I don’t want to carry you home when you got really drunk”</p><p> </p><p>I heard Off mumbles then drink the remaining whiskey in his glass. I chuckled and he just looked at me with a smirk on his lips, slowly shaking his head because of disbelief</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, I hate it” I said, finishing the whiskey in my glass, tasting its bitterness, “Where’s Gun?”</p><p> </p><p>Peng just use his eyes and I immediately spot Gun already, dancing at the center of the room with some of our friends. I didn’t know that I’ve been so engrossed with the sight of New that a few minutes already passed. Off got the bottle of whiskey and poured me some, filling the empty glass that I was holding earlier.</p><p> </p><p>“You still like him, don’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>The question caught me off guard but then I saw how Off lifted his glass and asked for a toast. When he realized that I have no intention of accepting his hand, he lifted my glass and gave it to me, “It’s been years already, aren’t you tired yet?”</p><p> </p><p>Tired—it was a word that was once in my vocabulary but magically disappeared when I realized my feelings for him. I knew it existed before because I memorized it every single day, but for some reason, now that I need to remind of myself its meaning, I can’t seem to find it anymore. Especially whenever I look at him; his smile always makes me forget about that word.</p><p> </p><p>Off made a sound with his tongue which caught my ears, not my eyes for they are nailed at him. Funny as it may sound, but although I can feel the sting in my chest, I just can’t get my eyes out of New.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you now regretting?”</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Getting close to him? You weren’t that close, to begin with. I remembered how you both hated each other’s guts before”</p><p> </p><p>I just gave him a bitter smile. It was true. I remembered how he isolated himself before and how I hated him for his actions. We disliked each other, not coming to the office together, greeting each other because we have to, not because we want to.  If I only knew It’ll be like this, I shouldn’t have invited him before to dinners, I shouldn’t have asked to be his friend and stayed as colleagues instead.</p><p> </p><p>“No” I replied. This is me speaking from my heart again because no matter how much I think of regretting, my heart wouldn’t ever. It’s so loud and never shut up especially when it’s drowning in alcohol.</p><p> </p><p>I don’t really know when it started, can’t even remember the first time I laid my eyes on him. I tried going back and reminiscing the past, digging deeper in my consciousness to find the root of all of this but I always fail. Instead, I fell harder and I know it was my fault for I was the one who did it to myself. I should have been cautious, I should have been careful, now I couldn’t even blame him for he was not aware that I fall until he found her—until I called for his name to save me but it’s too late because he already fell to someone else.</p><p> </p><p>Platonic—I thought it was just a term seen in books. A word that I’ve read in different published papers and articles. I didn’t know that we’ve been doing it for quite some time now; actually, longer than I’ve expected.</p><p> </p><p>I should have been contented with our random bickering, hitting movies together, eating dinner in a random restaurant, playing AOV on our phone, and ranking up together. I should have been fine with short calls, with our out of town or out of the country vacations with the rest of the gang, for night strolls with whipped cream from the shortcakes we’ve shared. I should have drawn the line—or maybe I did, I just failed to keep myself from crossing it…</p><p> </p><p>Because the next thing I knew is that I’m already buying movie tickets with shaky hands, losing to our every stare game for his eyes always make me feel the butterflies. I thought playing with him was enough but watching him play Tsum Tsum and getting frustrated to reach the next level makes my heart skip a beat. The meals we shared became too frequent to the point that I already wished to share not only dinners with him but also prepare his breakfast whilst he’s still asking for another five minutes of sleep on the bed, although I knew wasn’t that good of a cook.</p><p> </p><p>To be everything to him is all that matters to me—to be his support system when everyone seems to be not around, hearing him rant until the crack of the dawn although I knew I’ll be going to work, lack of sleep and dizzy, buying medicine and visiting him when he’s sick only to see his girl watching over him, giving him forehead kisses to make sure he feels better.</p><p> </p><p>I shouldn’t have let a stranger in, I got so used to his presence, influencing my every living, changing my life completely that when he decided to leave my place, I can’t help but stare at his ghostly figure in every corner of my place.</p><p> </p><p>I was no one special, just someone he leans on sometimes. I’ve always thought that nothing can break up what was never together, but my heart didn’t get the memo. I hoped for something much more, that I’d be someone who meant something more.</p><p> </p><p>He was both everything I could ever want and nothing I could ever have. It’s really funny how the memories I cherish became my worst enemies afterward. The thoughts I loved to think about, the memories I wanted to hold up and reviewed from every angle, in every time of the day—suddenly seems a lot better to lock in a chest, away from the glimmering lights, out of my sight and throw away the key. I would like to act bitter, especially now that I’m watching New slowly dancing with someone—someone whom I can be but will never be.</p><p> </p><p>“Never thought you’ll be this great of an actor”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>I said without looking at Off. I don’t know why I’m still smiling despite the unbearable pain I’m feeling right now while New’s enjoying the dance floor, sliding his hand through her back, softly and careful, their feet gliding on the floor whilst slow music is playing, enough for the couples to have time to stare at each other’s eyes and communicate without saying words.</p><p> </p><p>“You can still smile in front of him, I could never” Of said, swirling his glass, ice melting while he’s looking at the people enjoying the floor, “You could have been lovers”</p><p> </p><p>“We almost did”</p><p> </p><p>Almost, but then he reminded me that we’ll lose each other if we did, that he wouldn’t like to face the consequences of losing me just because we unexpectedly fell for each other, because we both knew, we’ll end up being strangers once one of us fell out of love.</p><p> </p><p>Because you can never go from dating to being friends. It’s a lie. It’s just something that people say they’ll do to take the permanence of breakup and someone between the two will always take it to mean more than it does, then is hurt even more. And I knew, both of us knew, that between us, it’ll be me because I fell first and I fell harder.</p><p> </p><p>“Papii!”</p><p> </p><p>Gun came back running in our seat and pull Off’s hand, begging him to stand up and dance with him. almost all of our friends are now dancing at the center. I know, this man beside me won’t be able to say know once Gun starts to pout.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want t—” but Gun cut him off when he kissed his neck without a warning. Off’s flushed cheeks were still vivid in my eyes despite the blinding neon lights and all I could do is to laugh when he looked at me, his eyes clearly asking if it’s fine to leave me alone at our table.</p><p> </p><p>“Go ahead, I’ll be going home anyway”</p><p> </p><p>“How?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not that hard to call a cab, Off”</p><p> </p><p>After I said those words, Off followed Gun’s lead until they reach the dance floor. I keep my things in my bag, making sure that I won’t forget a thing because it’ll be a hassle to come back. I stared at New once again as I stood up on my seat and to my surprise, he’s also looking at me. It’s probably the first time we caught each other’s eyes since we entered the place for his attention was always with her.</p><p> </p><p>We’re both standing, meters away, looking at each other saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, it feels like the tonic started kicking in my system and everything turns slow, just like how I wished time could have been whenever I look in his eyes but then, I saw him smile a little as if telling me to take care on my way home and I responded with a nod because that’s the least thing that I could do with this distance between us—figuratively and literally.</p><p> </p><p>I took my way out of the entrance, dizzy because of the whiskey flowing in my blood which slowly reaching my head. I stared at my phone to check the time but our face appeared on my screen, smiling brightly after the flash of the camera. I shook my head because I could feel the tears slowly forming in my eyes and I wouldn’t like them to trickle down my face. It’ll be a waste of time. I promised myself that I’ll be fine.</p><p> </p><p>I hailed a cab and before I went inside, I looked at the place filled with colorful lights again. The next time I’ll be back here, I hope that I already remembered the meaning of the word tired.</p><p> </p><p>And by that time, I’ll be able to tell myself I made it.</p>
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